Blood Harmony Volume 9: Hypothetical Valentine's Day Dance Party
Set in a COVID multiverse in which the U.S. had a rapid, coherent and evidence-based response to the virus. We’ll call this universe “New Zealand”.
A fellow DJ from the radio station asked me to open for him at his monthly set at The Fruit called Fresh Fruit. It happens to fall on the night before Valentine’s Day (AKA Galentine’s Day!). I’ll be on from 9:45-10:30pm which is perfect because regardless of how the night goes, my child is still going to wake me up at 6:30am. I inform him that I’m considering just playing “WAP” on repeat in honor of Galentine’s Day. He shoots back that no one can dance to 99% of “WAP”. He’s right. I take it off my playlist.
9:15pm
I show up at The Fruit with my laptop and get set up in one of the cavernous basement rooms. I can’t turn off my day job self so I’ve also brought a large number of free condoms and info about emergency contraception and PrEP. I set these up on a table next to the DJ booth. You can thank me later everyone!
There’s a solid crowd already that includes local friends, a few out-of-town visitors and a decent number of strangers who are probably here to see the other DJ. I grab a canned G&T and tinker with my set list. My fellow DJ gives me a thumbs up from the dance floor. I give him a wink back. One of my goals of 2021 is to wink more but not in a creepy way.
9:45pm
Let’s do this.
Slippery People - Single Version: Staple Singers, Turning Point, Epic Records, 1984.
It’s slinky, it’s a little weird and you can’t help but dance to it. I like to start a dance set with either this, “Automatic” by The Pointer Sisters or “Rock Steady” by Aretha.
Dance parties are a wonderful middle ground between radio DJ’ing and wedding DJ’ing. You can be as weird and freeform as you want on the radio and the feedback you get is mainly delayed and positive. After all, people who hate your music can just turn you off. You’re not ruining anyone’s night with your Gregorian chants into Nintendo samples into Stereolab. Wedding DJ’ing is basically the opposite of radio DJ’ing. You are trying to convince people of all ages, levels of sobriety and interest in dancing to stay on the floor for 2-4 hours. You have to keep it catchy, appropriate (at least until 11pm) and upbeat. You have to deal with requests from adorable elders for their wedding song from the 1950s and song requests that involve people handing you their phone and asking you to play music off of it. Your flow is interrupted by speeches, cake announcements, garter dances and the occasional mid-dance injury or medical emergency. You are in direct competition with eating, drinking, dessert, trying to find someone to make out with and catch up sessions with friends/relatives. At the end of it all, you’re the only remotely sober person at 1am and you’re left hoping against hope that someone still wants to have a beer with you so you can chill the fuck out. I have now DJ’d four friend’s weddings and they were all very fun and also pretty stressful. Give me a dance party any night of the week. People come specifically to dance and they usually have some sense of where you are going sonically by the venue and/or the advertising. Everyone is in.
La Tortura: Shakira ft. Alejandro Sanz, Fijacion Oral, Vol.1, Sony Music, 2005.
Some folks from my various Zumba classes have come out to show their support so I play this one on the early side in appreciation. Also, I love this song. The dance floor is filled with dramatic Shakira-like pseudo belly dancing and reggaeton Zumba moves. The usual Fruit crowd seems slightly disturbed but also impressed.
S&M: Rihanna, Loud, Def Jam, 2010.
So far, I’ve been pushings things a little bit here. I’ve played a potentially unfamiliar cover of an older song and a monster Spanish-language hit that may or may not be super well-known to this audience. I need to play a few familiar, upbeat and consistent dance tracks for a little while before the floor turns on me. Also, I want to play this song because romance means different things to to different people.
100% Pure Love: Crystal Waters, Storyteller, Mercury Records, 1994.
One of the greatest dance tracks of all time.
Stupid Love: Lady Gaga, Chromatica, Interscope Records, 2020.
Everyone jumps around and yells along with Gaga “All I ever wanted was looooooooooovvvvve”.
Make Me Feel: Janelle Monae, Dirty Computer, Bad Boy Records, 2018.
It’s time to get funky. If people will dance to “When Doves Cry” at a wedding, I don’t feel like this is much of a stretch. People love it.
Feel Right: Mark Ronson ft. Mystikal, Uptown Special, Sony Music, 2014.
I don’t have to adhere to radio safe harbor or wedding safe harbor and that’s great because I only have the non-clean version of this song. I’ve always wanted to play it at a dance party. I scan the crowd and see lots of air trombones.
I also see a dude at the back of the room who looks a lot like Questlove. Wait, it is Questlove. I’d forgotten that the Roots had a show tonight in Raleigh. Ack, now he’s here! I take a swig of my canned cocktail and avoid eye contact. What Questlove doesn’t know is that I have a few songs in a mental playlist called “Songs I would play to impress Questlove if he ever showed up at a DJ’ing gig”. Sorry everyone, this next track is a little off topic. But here comes some slightly obscure Prince.
Chelsea Rodgers: Prince, Planet Earth, NPG Records, 2004.
It’s Prince! It’s Maceo! It’s Sheila E. on the drums! People can’t help but dance. Questlove nods approvingly. I play it cool and by that I mean that I quietly hyperventilate into my G&T until the end of the song. I wish I could tell Questlove that I started my set with The Staple Singers doing a track that they premiered on Soul Train. He would love that!
You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real): Sylvester, Step II, Fantasy Records, 1978.
I was already going to play this but as a side benefit I’m pretty sure Questlove also digs this track since it was featured in the High Fidelity reboot and he was one of the music supervisors on that show.
When I Think of You: Janet Jackson, Control, A&M Records, 1986.
Janet is the best. Piano, synthesizers, bass, chill vocals. Irresistible.
Duke of Earl: Gene Chandler, The Duke of Earl, Concord Music Group, 1962.
One of the most romantic songs of all time. It ties for me with “Save the Last Dance for Me” by the Drifters. There’s some making out on the dance floor and I approve.
10:30pm
Questlove swings by while I’m packing up my stuff and asks me to open for him at a DJ show in a few months. I say “I’d love to” and we bump elbows. I give him my card and he says “You’re a midwife. Cool.” I refrain from telling him that I’ve read all of his books including his overly long and intense food one. He wanders off to some sort of mysterious V.I.P. section and I step out onto the dance floor. Elbow bumps all around. I can’t stop grinning. My friend plays the section of “WAP” you can dance to. I regret not working into my playlist.